DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[chaoswolf]

OK. I've had it. I've had enough! I don't give a fucking damn any longer. I swear to the 7 gods that all they want to do is see me to hell and show me the door. I give a damn about those I love, but this has gone on long enough! Emmy's been whining ever since Connie left. I've been mildly depressed for like 4 seconds after I got off of Skype with asahoshi until I started gaming with Mayhem. When she left, I got depressed again. When Emmy came downstairs during the tail end of the episode Without A Trace, she started whining. I didn't say anything at first. When Emmy continued whining at Mom, I got pissed off. I told them both to shut the fuck up so I could watch the show. I was not amused. I was pissed off at my mother for snapping at my sister and my sister for snapping at my mom, pissed off at both of them for disrupting the show! DAMNIT!!!!!!! Mom gets pissed off, breaks into tears and leaves. Then mdlbear comes outside into the living room, and bitches at me for snapping at Mom. Mom believes me to be disrespectful. I admit, I may have over-reacted, but I seriously wanted to watch the show. I seriously regret my actions as of just now, and I wish I never have to go through this. Unfortunatly, I don't know what I can do about it. I seriously don't.....and now I seemed to have backed myself into a corner that I am not sure I can get out of. Depression hit me kind of hard. I feel that my life is just one big mistake. Certian parts of it seem to be the patch I need in order to make my life work. asahoshi is one of those patches. Most of my life is a mistake. I have made one of the biggest errors in my life.....and now I regret it.

Comments

[mdlbear]

Calm down, kid. It's not serious; in the morning nobody is going to remember a thing. And both of you were being disrespectful, at various times; I think your sister was worse, but you weren't around for comparison at the time.

You know, you could have gone upstairs and watched the show on the TV in the hall...

Chaos, I seriously start to think that you might need meds.

[aerowolf.livejournal.com]

I seriously think that you might need to look into antidepressants. You've been depressed every time I've talked to you almost ever since I /met/ you. Every post you've made within the past two years that hasn't been about conventions has had at least some, and quite usually much more, depression to it. You say that you're basically patching your life up, and the patches aren't working.

I know what you think of antidepressant medications. I know what your family thinks of antidepressant medications. But I'd really rather you get help while you're only showing 5 or 6 checklist items of depression, rather than all 10.

Whatever you, your family, or anyone else thinks, I have to point out from experience: Depression is an illness, wherein your body does not manufacture the correct balance of neurochemicals with which to keep itself well-regulated. It is true that doctors do not know the precise mechanisms by which antidepressants work; however, I can also speak from experience that they have different medications that treat different aspects of the imbalances that can exist. True, some will end up making the imbalances worse... but once you and your doctor hit on the right one, the difference is nothing short of miraculous.

These are not "happy pills". They don't automatically make you happy, or make your body function completely normally -- but, also from experience, some of them CAN make a difference in whether you want to live, or you want to die.

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

I'm seconding aerowolf. Talk to your doctor about it. I don't know what your family thinks of antidepressants...but lemme put in my two cents.

The medication, once I managed to find Effexor and Tegretol, doesn't fix everything. But it helped my reactivity and my self-control. Without it, I don't believe I could have stopped self injuring. It's allowed me to breathe and heal, minimized the symptoms to a tolerable level (my moods still fluctuate, but it's cut away the extreme highs and lows).

I would not, in the least, be surprised if you are diagnosed with some form of mental illness, whether depression or otherwise (Actually, I'd be surprised if you _weren't_). Blah...I had more to say, but it's getting too late and I need to close to browser. More later, I hope. *-=^_^=-*

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

Just...more stuff.

I don't know how familiar you are with my story....but as I stated in a recent LJ post...if my mother hadn't intervened in my Freshman year and started me on SSRIs and therapy, I'd have killed myself. What I propose is some kind of intervention with you, with the aim of a better life. A life you WANT to live. A life where you're not just surviving day-by-day.

Talk with your doctor. Make a list of your symptoms beforehand, things you're dissasfied with that you think are related to your health (and keep the esoteric out of that list, naturally ;P). Look around for a therapist (I'd be happy to help with that). Build up support networks.

You don't HAVE to do medication, either. Some people work fine stuff like St. John's Wort (which has the same effect as an SSRI -- never do both an antidepressant and St. John's Wort at the same time). Some people use other methods. Look around online, there are TONS of resources.

See about talking with your school couselor as well, they have more resources than you might think. *^_^*

If you need help, poke me. I'd be happy to give you a push.

uh..yeah

[writercat84.livejournal.com]

Sorry to say Chaos, but I agree.. I think you really need to get some help sweetheart. I used to take them, and now I'm better and don't need them any more. But when I was in high school they helped me from killing myself, litteraly.. if hadent had them.. there would have been several times when I think that I might have actually ended my exsistance on this earth. Don't worry, It will be ok, everything turns out in the end, it always does.

[mdlbear]

As "family", I need to point out that we have no objection to antidepressants, or whatever else is needed (whether the problem is depression, bipolar, Asperger, or some combination remains to be diagnosed).

The fact that we briefly tried medication for ADHD, and dropped it when we determined that it wasn't helping, may have given the impression that we're opposed to psychotropic medication in general. This is emphatically not the case.

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

Good to hear. :)

And now for the side against...

[asahoshi.livejournal.com]

I was diagnosed with depression. They put me on meds. It made things worse after awhile. I stopped. I have seen no difference from before, except that I have given myself more confidence and helped myself cope. These days they have a mental illness for pretty much everything.

Re: And now for the side against...

[aerowolf.livejournal.com]

Medications are not a 'crutch'. They don't "magically make things better". And even meds that help for a while can stop working, when the body 'adapts' to the new neurochemical levels. (Remember, the body does adapt to changing situations and stumuli.)

Yes, many people who have depression learn to cope with it... but it's akin to learning how to live with pain. If it's a choice you have, and you choose to do it, that's perfectly fine and I'm not going to say that it's bad.

However... Chaos isn't coping well. Her behaviors are, while not self-destructive, certainly not healthy. (In her words, 'patching her life' with companionship.) Some people learn healthier behaviors while on antidepressants, and then stop taking them. That, too, is fine.

My boyfriend has major depression, to the point that he's disabled by it. I have major depression, not quite as bad. Wellbutrin has helped me, and it has helped him (it certainly keeps his panic attacks from being anywhere near as much of a problem). Other psychoactive medications have helped other friends of mine. I don't know if medications are indicated right here and right now, and I can't really make an opinion since I'm not a clinician. But Chaos needs help... even if it's help to learn how to cope and make her life work.

Re: And now for the side against...

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

Then it clearly was not the right medication. There is no "right drug for everyone." I went through almost all of the SSRIs (save Prozac) before trying others and hitting upon the right combination.

And congratulations for being able to work without it. It's not something everyone can do.

Re: And now for the side against...

[asahoshi.livejournal.com]

Y'know, for being her friends, you all sure do seem convinced she doesn't have the ability to make it without meds. I know she does. And I intend to help her through it. I know I wouldn't appreciate it if all of my friends were telling me I need meds because I can't handle it on my own. All she needs is supportr from her friends.

Re: And now for the side against...

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

she doesn't have the ability to make it without meds.
Not just medicine, but other kinds of outside help. The medical field is there for a reason. ^_^; I think Chaos should at least try it for a bit before going off on her own.

I suspect clinical depression or the like because it hasn't gone away as she's gotten older...so it's clearly not just adolescence.

I also see her doing and saying things to get attention, to get help. This is my way of helping. I've had the experience of absolutely NOT being able to make it on my own (friends or no). No amount of support can change a person's chemistry. I also firmly believe that medicine and therapy can help a person not only survive, but THRIVE. And that's what we want Chaos to do. :)

[jilara.livejournal.com]

Of course, there is a factor of the "insanity is hereditary", here. Emmy can be crazymaking on a good day. If I was her sister, it's entirely possible I'd have some issues, too.

I think that a key point in diagnosing depression is whether it's a constant thing or situational. If you were in an entirely different environment, would you still be depressed? I find that I've had bouts of depression that seem to go with feeling my life is out of my control, and once I *have* control, no more depression.

[asahoshi.livejournal.com]

Exactly. From what I've noticed, she's just having problems dealing with her sister. I've seen her without Emmy around, and she's perfectly fine. Hell, I feel the same way she does when Emmy's around. It's hard to handle. Not to mention she doesn't get to see her girlfriends very much. So she has every right to be upset without everyone telling her she needs help. All she needs is some time away from what's making her upset.

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

she's perfectly fine
I would disagree, here. It's not just Emmy. I see her at cons, and it's the same as when we were dating, years ago. She...exudes agony. Dramatic, I know, but it's the best way I can describe it.

[asahoshi.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe when you were dating her she seemed depressed, but I don't think I've ever seen her depressed when I've been with her except when we have to part ways again. So maybe it's just the kind of people she's with.

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

Perhaps.

And I will ignore the implied insult there, for the sake of peace.

[jilara.livejournal.com]

I think the time is rapidly coming for a separation from family, living on her own. It is about the right time, and gives you a lot of new perspectives on the world. I think I would have gone completely crazy if I hadn't moved out when I was 19, and I didn't have a kid sister. I think it might be something for her to think of. (Sorry to talk about you in third person, Chaos. At least we're talking in front of you, not behind you!)

[chaoswolf]

Living on my own might be an option, but there are a few problems with that.

1. I feel incompetent in my ability to produce an income that can pay for the cost of living in this state, much less anywhere else.
2. I feel incompetent in my ability to cook food for myself however many days a week because of past experiences in the kitchen.

[jilara.livejournal.com]

So, it's time for Auntie Jilara's survival cooking course? It's amazing what can be done with a burner, a microwave oven and some basic ingredients. Seriously.

In terms of producing income, I actually know that one, because I've been there, too. However, the first step is actually getting out and working, even at minimum wage. I started at minimum wage, washing dishes, which has got to be the all-time scut work, but it was a place to start. (Food service work, which I did a lot of, actually would resolve one of the problems feeding yourself, because it usually comes with a meal or two thrown in. Ditto dishwashing.) Just about everyone starts with scut work, at minimum wage, and usually has to have a certain amount of parental subsidy in the beginning. Or start with a job while you're living at home, and save up. But it's a scary step, and I understand that. I remember it well. We should have a talk sometime.

[chaoswolf]

Oh how right you are, love. I wish time would speed up sometimes, then slow down long enough for the 2 of us to enjoy each other and have fun.

i have some answers.

[misdev.livejournal.com]

you are in college, take some home ec classes...

you DO need to get away from Emmy.. and seperately you both need SERIOUS therapy... ( i have other various opinions about this i will discuss this later)

i hate drugs.. but they are making my life better.. it is possible to handle it..

have you noticed i have been a bit more stable lately? it isnt the anti depressant doing it.. the addition of a mood stabilizer is what did that..

i suspect you are somewhat bi-polar from all the back and forth from mira and asahoshi, as well as what i have seen.

you are either on top of the world or buried under it, much the same as i am.. and neither of them is a true emotion. this tends to be bi-polar behavior, ( think me, and synthia,) who by the way has been formally diagnosed with bi-polar, so has teressa..

i kind of suspect you may also have borderline personality disorder, but i would have to ask you a lot of very specific ?'s to tell you.

another commonality we both share is the need to do for others, think about this, if you even think you have free time, you go to a con meeting and volunteer for something.. you overwork and overstress yourself.. learn to delegate more, listen when you body sends you signals to slow down and rest, thet tends to perpetuate depression as well, cause you are always tired and not at your best, i think a lot more people will be less "down on you" as you say, if you learn when to stop and let somone else help you too.

you tend to lose yourself in your girlfriends.. they love and care for you for who you are, not always who you are when you try to lose yourself in them.. (borderline personality disorder)

just relax, and remember, you will live another day, and the people who really love you will still be there too.