DAMN YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[chaoswolf]

OK. I've had it. I've had enough! I don't give a fucking damn any longer. I swear to the 7 gods that all they want to do is see me to hell and show me the door. I give a damn about those I love, but this has gone on long enough! Emmy's been whining ever since Connie left. I've been mildly depressed for like 4 seconds after I got off of Skype with asahoshi until I started gaming with Mayhem. When she left, I got depressed again. When Emmy came downstairs during the tail end of the episode Without A Trace, she started whining. I didn't say anything at first. When Emmy continued whining at Mom, I got pissed off. I told them both to shut the fuck up so I could watch the show. I was not amused. I was pissed off at my mother for snapping at my sister and my sister for snapping at my mom, pissed off at both of them for disrupting the show! DAMNIT!!!!!!! Mom gets pissed off, breaks into tears and leaves. Then mdlbear comes outside into the living room, and bitches at me for snapping at Mom. Mom believes me to be disrespectful. I admit, I may have over-reacted, but I seriously wanted to watch the show. I seriously regret my actions as of just now, and I wish I never have to go through this. Unfortunatly, I don't know what I can do about it. I seriously don't.....and now I seemed to have backed myself into a corner that I am not sure I can get out of. Depression hit me kind of hard. I feel that my life is just one big mistake. Certian parts of it seem to be the patch I need in order to make my life work. asahoshi is one of those patches. Most of my life is a mistake. I have made one of the biggest errors in my life.....and now I regret it.

Comments

[jilara.livejournal.com]

Of course, there is a factor of the "insanity is hereditary", here. Emmy can be crazymaking on a good day. If I was her sister, it's entirely possible I'd have some issues, too.

I think that a key point in diagnosing depression is whether it's a constant thing or situational. If you were in an entirely different environment, would you still be depressed? I find that I've had bouts of depression that seem to go with feeling my life is out of my control, and once I *have* control, no more depression.

[asahoshi.livejournal.com]

Exactly. From what I've noticed, she's just having problems dealing with her sister. I've seen her without Emmy around, and she's perfectly fine. Hell, I feel the same way she does when Emmy's around. It's hard to handle. Not to mention she doesn't get to see her girlfriends very much. So she has every right to be upset without everyone telling her she needs help. All she needs is some time away from what's making her upset.

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

she's perfectly fine
I would disagree, here. It's not just Emmy. I see her at cons, and it's the same as when we were dating, years ago. She...exudes agony. Dramatic, I know, but it's the best way I can describe it.

[asahoshi.livejournal.com]

Well, maybe when you were dating her she seemed depressed, but I don't think I've ever seen her depressed when I've been with her except when we have to part ways again. So maybe it's just the kind of people she's with.

[mira-fastfire.livejournal.com]

Perhaps.

And I will ignore the implied insult there, for the sake of peace.

[jilara.livejournal.com]

I think the time is rapidly coming for a separation from family, living on her own. It is about the right time, and gives you a lot of new perspectives on the world. I think I would have gone completely crazy if I hadn't moved out when I was 19, and I didn't have a kid sister. I think it might be something for her to think of. (Sorry to talk about you in third person, Chaos. At least we're talking in front of you, not behind you!)

[chaoswolf]

Living on my own might be an option, but there are a few problems with that.

1. I feel incompetent in my ability to produce an income that can pay for the cost of living in this state, much less anywhere else.
2. I feel incompetent in my ability to cook food for myself however many days a week because of past experiences in the kitchen.

[jilara.livejournal.com]

So, it's time for Auntie Jilara's survival cooking course? It's amazing what can be done with a burner, a microwave oven and some basic ingredients. Seriously.

In terms of producing income, I actually know that one, because I've been there, too. However, the first step is actually getting out and working, even at minimum wage. I started at minimum wage, washing dishes, which has got to be the all-time scut work, but it was a place to start. (Food service work, which I did a lot of, actually would resolve one of the problems feeding yourself, because it usually comes with a meal or two thrown in. Ditto dishwashing.) Just about everyone starts with scut work, at minimum wage, and usually has to have a certain amount of parental subsidy in the beginning. Or start with a job while you're living at home, and save up. But it's a scary step, and I understand that. I remember it well. We should have a talk sometime.

[chaoswolf]

Oh how right you are, love. I wish time would speed up sometimes, then slow down long enough for the 2 of us to enjoy each other and have fun.