Why is life the way it is?
May. 8th, 2004 09:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chaoswolfHonestly? Could someone tell me? It seems that I can't do anything right around here anymore....I can't maintain my self control, I seem to be unable to ask politely, I seem to be unable to restrain myself when I am on the verge of killing my sister, and now ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mdlbear is yelling @ my sister because I seem to have made a mess of things.
I've been asked to cook dinner tomorrow. I was watching The Patriot when Emmy starts cleaning her desk & making lots of noise. I try to be as polite as possible at first by turning my head in her general direction and asking her to close the door because I don't need to hear her cleaning her desk & I'm trying to watch the movie. This doesn't work, and a screaming match results. After a few more seconds, I snap & pick up a plastic bottle, throwing it at her. According to her, I left a bruise. I doubt I threw it that hard, but she won't fucking listen to anything that anyone says. This is why screaming matches are so common around her. This is why the Gamers have nearly voted her off the fucking island. This is why 90% of the time I never want to game with her anywhere near us.
The 6.5 year age gap doesn't help anyone either. If she were just a little bit closer to my age & more understanding, I probably wouldn't be as much of a bitch towards her. Seeing as how life is such a cruel thing, I highly doubt that I will ever be able to handle her, much less get along with her. I've tried to be nice. I've tried not laying a hand on her. I've tried leaving the room when she's turning into a royal pain in the ass. Nothing that I have tried seems to help. I feel so dead, so uncontrolled..............
If I can't have life at least make an attempt to be nice to me, then why should I have life at all? What can be done that will heal the wound left by my sister who never listens to anyone, including our own parents? Why must life always have a negative effect on us kids that makes us so hard to control? Why isn't life ever simple? Am I grounded? Am I dead? Am I in Hell? Where am I? Why does this look so familiar like a scene I've shot so many times in the movie called Another day in the life ofchaoswolf? Why is this so routine? Why is the age gap always a major impactor on siblings hating each other? Why does the age gap have to play a role in sibling rivalry? Why does there have to be another cause to add to depression? Why isn't there a simple answer to life? Why can't 42 just heal the wound and cause the age gap to disappear? Why isn't there an easy way to control oneself? What should I do if I have no self control? Why is it that psychiatrists/psychologists prescribe drugs for low impulse control? Why isn't there ever a way to make life behave itself? Supposing the world doesn't revolve around you, but it seems to revolve around someone you're ready to kill, what then? How can I avoid killing this sibling who never listens to anyone? How can things exist peacfully between us if all we seem to want to do is rip each other's throats out? Why can't I can't seem to make this go away, no matter what I try? Is this just some horrible nightmare I have to wake up from? Why can't I seem to ever wake up from this nightmare of terror? Why do I get the feeling that one day I will do something to my sister that will land me in jail? Why isn't there ever a simple answer to everything? Why do I always feel so depressed after I do something that gets me yelled at? Why can't I create an atmosphere in which there isn't any of this sibling rivalry or idiocy or anything on the part of either sibling? What is missing that causes the two of us to hate eachother so much? How much more of this can I take? How will I know when I've gone over the edge? Will this cycle of madness end? Will there ever be a way to deal with this without my having to kill her?
mdlbear is yelling @ my sister because I seem to have made a mess of things.I've been asked to cook dinner tomorrow. I was watching The Patriot when Emmy starts cleaning her desk & making lots of noise. I try to be as polite as possible at first by turning my head in her general direction and asking her to close the door because I don't need to hear her cleaning her desk & I'm trying to watch the movie. This doesn't work, and a screaming match results. After a few more seconds, I snap & pick up a plastic bottle, throwing it at her. According to her, I left a bruise. I doubt I threw it that hard, but she won't fucking listen to anything that anyone says. This is why screaming matches are so common around her. This is why the Gamers have nearly voted her off the fucking island. This is why 90% of the time I never want to game with her anywhere near us.
The 6.5 year age gap doesn't help anyone either. If she were just a little bit closer to my age & more understanding, I probably wouldn't be as much of a bitch towards her. Seeing as how life is such a cruel thing, I highly doubt that I will ever be able to handle her, much less get along with her. I've tried to be nice. I've tried not laying a hand on her. I've tried leaving the room when she's turning into a royal pain in the ass. Nothing that I have tried seems to help. I feel so dead, so uncontrolled..............
If I can't have life at least make an attempt to be nice to me, then why should I have life at all? What can be done that will heal the wound left by my sister who never listens to anyone, including our own parents? Why must life always have a negative effect on us kids that makes us so hard to control? Why isn't life ever simple? Am I grounded? Am I dead? Am I in Hell? Where am I? Why does this look so familiar like a scene I've shot so many times in the movie called Another day in the life of
chaoswolf? Why is this so routine? Why is the age gap always a major impactor on siblings hating each other? Why does the age gap have to play a role in sibling rivalry? Why does there have to be another cause to add to depression? Why isn't there a simple answer to life? Why can't 42 just heal the wound and cause the age gap to disappear? Why isn't there an easy way to control oneself? What should I do if I have no self control? Why is it that psychiatrists/psychologists prescribe drugs for low impulse control? Why isn't there ever a way to make life behave itself? Supposing the world doesn't revolve around you, but it seems to revolve around someone you're ready to kill, what then? How can I avoid killing this sibling who never listens to anyone? How can things exist peacfully between us if all we seem to want to do is rip each other's throats out? Why can't I can't seem to make this go away, no matter what I try? Is this just some horrible nightmare I have to wake up from? Why can't I seem to ever wake up from this nightmare of terror? Why do I get the feeling that one day I will do something to my sister that will land me in jail? Why isn't there ever a simple answer to everything? Why do I always feel so depressed after I do something that gets me yelled at? Why can't I create an atmosphere in which there isn't any of this sibling rivalry or idiocy or anything on the part of either sibling? What is missing that causes the two of us to hate eachother so much? How much more of this can I take? How will I know when I've gone over the edge? Will this cycle of madness end? Will there ever be a way to deal with this without my having to kill her?
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why?
Date: 2004-05-09 02:14 am (UTC)I think there's probably some very deep, /extremely/ unresolved issue that needs to be located and addressed. I don't know what it is, and I don't think it's my place to even really say this much. But I'll make a general observation:
Very, very few people truly see themselves as evil, or bad, or doing anything other than the "Right Thing". This causes problems when they fail to take into account other peoples' issues, other peoples' needs, other peoples' desires. This generally creates a situation where the person who feels slighted doesn't listen, and thus the other people stop listening.
*hugs* Things will work out. But they'll take work to work out. Depends... do you want to put the effort in to get a decent relationship with your sister? Does she want to put the effort in? Is it worth it, to her, to put the effort in?