So....

[chaoswolf]

If I am not allowed to do anything stupid, and I'm not allowed to be depressed, and I'm not allowed to try demanding answers from my ex, what am I allowed to do?

I am so fucking confused right now. I can't make heads or tails of my life....and right now I could use some help putting my life back together. Feelings for mira_fastfire have started to resurface after last weekend, and I'm currently confused by Mayhem & falconoflight as to where my relationships will go.

To make matters worse, I'm having a nasty allergic reaction to wellbutrin, and I'm going to get treated tomorrow, hopefully. Failing this...grr.

Comments

[kshandra]

You're allowed to keep living. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep being an individual human being who has all the requisite parts to do all of that without requiring someone else.

It's been 13 months since dafydd and I broke up, almost to the day. And I'm saying this where he'll likely see it, and where your f'list will witness it, because I'm sure he knows it already without me saying anything. I still love him...still miss him...still want him in my life. I think about him every day, worrying about whether or not he's happy, fret over him getting sick.... And how often do you actually see me talking about it? Rarely, if at all. Because I have a life that doesn't involve him. I have to keep the bills paid (whether by actually working, or by sending out resumes and contacting agencies to find my next job). I have other relationships to maintain...including my relationship with myself.

I was at yohannon's not long after the breakup last year, and I was telling him how I can't help but feel that the Universe isn't done with David and me. Yohannon just looked at me and said "Well, duh." And I want so badly to take that feeling and hold it close and give it a home - and I CAN'T, because if I do that I won't do any of the things I need to do...or if I do, it won't be for the right reasons. I need to get healthy for MY sake, not just for the sake of the relationship. And I've already blown this once.... The night of the breakup, David offered me a tentative "date" after my planned relationship sabbatical, so we could sit down and see where things stand. Did he mean it? Most likely - I've never known him to make empty promises. But I'd wager that he's not willing to do it any longer, simply because I put too much energy into looking forward to that day ("taking the thought for the deed," if you will) when that energy should have been used working on getting my life in order - getting back into therapy, getting my medications straightened out (and being 100% compliant with them again), going back to school...whatever shape a whole, healthy life turns out to be in my case.

I have to live for ME. Not David, not gridlore, not my mother...me. And you need to live for YOU. Because otherwise you're not living. You're just existing.