(no subject)

[chaoswolf]

Happy b-day, chipuni and christophine.

I wish it were a happy day for me.....My love life has been shattered. Her mom knows. I don't think I'll be able to see her again except at school. I'm so depressed right now I don't give a shit about my essays. I don't give a fuck. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with my next set of words.

DAMN YOU FUCKING RELIGIOUS ASSHOLES WHO BELIEVE THAT JUST BECAUSE I WEAR BLACK MEANS I'M EVIL! MEET ME FIRST BEFORE YOU MAKE YOUR FUCKING JUDGEMENTAL PERSPECTIVES TO DETERMINE THEN IF I AM TRULY AN ENEMY!!!!!!! FUCK YOU ALLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Comments

[dopple.livejournal.com]

hope springs eternal and you've got de love...you'll survive as will she. Besides, stolen moments can be sweet.

[roaringmouse.livejournal.com]

First, how old is your girlfriend?? If she is over the age of consent, her mother can't do a damn thing;;; However, if she is unable to move.... traditionally, she has to "obey" her parents' wishes.

[chaoswolf]

18. Unable to. It sucks.

[grendies.livejournal.com]

They think you're evil because you wear black? What religion are they? O.o

[chaoswolf]

Christian.

[glittercat13.livejournal.com]

Sadly, it would appear they espouse the *religeon* rather than the *faith* and the set of values it truly espouses for followers of Christ. *sigh* There's a reason I say I'm not religeous but have a great deal of faith.

(((hugs)))

[falconoflight.livejournal.com]

it has nothing to do with religeon... they saw her once and don't trust her. they think that she will corrupt me and that i will get very hurt. that and they can't trust my judgement on anything... Religeon has nothing to do with it.

[chaoswolf]

You sure? Corruption is usually connected to religion.

Long post - part 1 of 2 - please read all before you reply

[glittercat13.livejournal.com]

Ah! I sit corrected.

Okay. I'm going to throw another thought into the mix. It won't change anything and, almost certainly, won't make either of you feel any better, but may help a tiny bit to understand their point of view. Note that I say this without knowing you...or them...or anything about the various dynamics. This is just the POV of a parent.

My daughter, Valentina (ask Chaos about her), is 23 now and, as nearly as I can tell, doing a great job of rebuilding herself and her life. She never gave me any serious concerns before she turned 18. A little wildness but much, much less than I indulged in at her age (in a soooooooo very much safer world) and an inordinate amount of common sense. However, from 18 to 21, she made some really ungood life choices, ones that caused her no end of trouble to sort out and some of which she's still working with.

Had she still been living at home and I had the opportunity to build a fence around her and "protect" her, I probably would have. Note that I can tell you freely that it would not have been a good thing to do as she seems to have grown some daemons that needed exorcising and, had I wrapped her in cotton-wool, she'd have only done so later. However, as a mother, all I wanted to do is keep my "baby" safe and protect her - even, if necessary, from herself. It ain't logical. It ain't rational. It really isn't even sensible. But it IS. It's part of that whole mothering package that comes wrapped in the fuzzy blanket with the baby they hand you in the hospital. (Oh yeah, and it never really ends. I said she's 23 now. I haven't talked with her in over a week but, every day, I think of her, hope she's well, wish she'd drop a dime just to say hi, etc. Only, I know she need space to grow without me hovering. She's well and truly an adult now and I need to respect that - even if it makes me a little nuts inside.)

Anyhoo, since you live at home, there's no clear break for you OR for your parents; no clearly marked boundary that says "I am *now* an adult and, while you can suggest, ask, cajole, request, whine, etc., you CANNOT order me to do or not do anything any more." Without that, even if they are really trying to be aware, motivated, it's-time-to-leave-the-nest-and-spread-your-wings parents, it's too darned easy for them to fall back into (or never step out of) the old parent/child set-up.

[end Part I - darned LJ wouldn't take it all in one gulp]

Long post - Part 2 of 2 (Yes, I finally run out of steam.)

[glittercat13.livejournal.com]

[Okay. Here's the rest of it.]

They take one look at Chaos and probably see *goth* (Don't they shoot people and drink blood and stuff??? Eeeeeeeeeee!!!!!) and gloom (And, I guarantee, they don't see someone else's child or an artist, they just see the surface.) and make the *logical* (Yeah. Really. It is.) and oh-so-very-wrong snap judgment. Of course, it doesn't help that, if you engage them in a *calm* conversation, they'll play the (too damned valid too often to ignore) "We've been around a lot longer than you have and know more. You just have to trust us on this." card. Of course, there will be few things better designed to piss you off and if/when the conversation turns emotional, you get the "You see. You're still an emotional child and we need to protect you." sort of logic that probably has you gagging on your own rage.

So, quick and easy fixes? There really aren't any. I don't know if you're still in high school or not but if you are, I'd say, stay in school and the two of you see each other away from your home. If you have already graduated, then maybe it's time to look for a job and a place of your own. If you're in college currently, consider looking for a part-time job, roommate and an apartment - even if it's just a little one.

Yes, it's a whole lot of work and a heap of stress of it's own. However, you will be able to break the umbilical cord and step off as an adult. In spite of all the new stressors (and, believe it or not, the fears as you break away from all you know and are comfortable with), you will find a great deal of peace and joy in the very act of dealing with everything that is new and strange and *grown up* and discovering that you CAN handle it, thank you very much. In fact, you might even find that your relationship with your parents improves as they have to slowly accept the fact that you really are an adult. And you won't mind the babying so much when you get it in little doses when you go to *their* home and can leave and go home to *your* place. It's a very empowering feeling!!!

But, be warned, if they're still walking the planet when you are 80, you will *still* be their baby! Like I said, it part of the software that came bundled with you when first they took you, as an infant, in their arms, took one look at your sweet, fresh, new, unique, little face and fell in love in a way they'd never imagined they could.

Try to understand them. Forgive them if you can. Someday, you may have a child of your own that you'll hope for as much from. :) And, in the meantime, live, love, prosper, and grow. When all is said and done, that's all any parent REALLY wants for his/her children!

(((hugs)))

Re: Long post - Part 2 of 2 (Yes, I finally run out of steam.)

[chaoswolf]

OK. I sorta see where your point lies. Though to look for a part time job in an economy that is discriminant towards anyone on anti-depressants is next to impossible. I don't know about her success finding a job, but my job hunt has led nowhere.

Because of the way her mother judged me on first sight, I don't know if forgiveness is possible until I have an actual discussion with her. Person to person, woman to woman and my proving that I am not devilspawn and corrupt.

Re: Long post - Part 2 of 2 (Yes, I finally run out of steam.)

[kshandra]

Though to look for a part time job in an economy that is discriminant towards anyone on anti-depressants is next to impossible.

Honey, where the FUCK did you get the impression that you need to tell a prospective employer that you're on anti-depressants? There are jobs out there, to be certain, that require a certain level of physical fitness, and as such will expect their employees to pass medical exams (ask dafydd about that sometime). But you're not going to find any of those at Valley Fair. And while Goth-n-Go or Boardwalk Fries or whatever may do random drug testing, that's for opiates and marijuana. Nothing else - and if you find out they are testing for SSRIs and reporting back to your employer, you've got one HELL of a case with the ACLU.

Because of the way her mother judged me on first sight, I don't know if forgiveness is possible until I have an actual discussion with her.

And yet, by the same token, an actual discussion is probably unlikely for a long time, due to that same snap judgement. And there's also the possibility that trying to pressure her for the chance to talk, to prove your worth as a human being, will backfire and she'll want even less to do with you. So breathe, and honor the woman's wishes for now. Trying to find a way around them won't do you any favors when it comes to changing her image of you.

Re: Long post - Part 2 of 2 (Yes, I finally run out of steam.)

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

>> Nothing else - and if you find out they are testing for SSRIs and reporting back to your employer, you've got one HELL of a case with the ACLU.

Yup. There are police officers out there on SSRIs prescribed post-hire.

All I get off a drug screen is "Negative" or "Medical Review." Then I might get a negative from the physician -- but it's only happened twice in two years.

Re: Long post - Part 2 of 2 (Yes, I finally run out of steam.)

[glittercat13.livejournal.com]

Actually, though the post was certainly meant for both of you, I was answering her earlier comment. I can see where you may have some problems with finding work and, certainly, until you've got experience, getting a good-paying job is a challange. (Must have experience to get a job; must have a job to get experience - works the same for credit and lots of other things in life as well. Very annoying but universal and timeless. It's a pain but can be worked through.)

As others have said, you don't need to mention the anti-depressants as long as you're taking them and they are doing their job. *If* they drug test and come back with issues, you can then *mention* that you have issues which you and your doctor are dealing with. Trust me, I don't mention my arthritis in job interviews unless they mention that I'm going to have to manhandle 50 pound boxes or some such! :)

As for her, she'll have the same problems with getting an entry level job for crap money so that she can build up enough experience to get a job that *might* pay for an (or a portion of an) aparment. That's why I mentioned the roommate idea. L.A. has sucky aparment prices but I find they are just as bad in San Diego and I'm sure as bad or worse up there. *sigh* Welcome to the 21st Century.

My main thrust was to hope you could both understand where her parents are coming from - not that you'll like it or agree with it but have some idea of why and make some allowance. In other words, don't take it personally, her mom is doing the standard mother-protecting-her-young shtick. See her away from home if you both want to but going to war with Mom puts everyone in a losing situation in the long run.

More than that, it makes sure that Mom permanently puts you on the "enemies list" as opposed to starting out with the belief that you're the devil incarnate (or whatever) and, *slowly* by force of your actions and reactions, coming to understand that you are a stable, caring person who agrees with her about how special her daughter is. (Mind, that will probably be a *very* slow process if she's really got it in her head that you are a *bad* influence or she's ultra-"Christian" or whatever.)

I suppose, my advice for you is the same as I give myself in conflict situations: If there isn't a clear and relatively simple fix, it's always a better idea to take the high ground (morally, ethically, whatever). If you do, whether you win or lose, in the long run you always win 'cause, at the very end of the day, you have to live with you - no one else - YOU! That's mandatory. So, knowing you did everything you could and played fair means that, if you win, it's truly a victory. If you lose, you know that you did *all* you could and made it a clean battle. It sure puts down the daemons of woulda/shoulda/coulda/if-only that tend to cluster around at such times. Most of all, you can always "walk tall" and proudly.

Love you, Hon, and only wish good things for you in your life and with your Lady. Take care and remember, as slowly as time may run from day to day now, it's amazing how fast it *went* as you look back. You will survive! And, if it's meant to be, so will your relationship. :>

(((hugs)))

Re: Long post - Part 2 of 2 (Yes, I finally run out of steam.)

[glittercat13.livejournal.com]

Gee. Aren't you glad I don't post here all the time? You'd go blind from all the reading you'd have to do. :)

Hang in there. Sure hope you can make it down for LosCon. :)

Re: Long post - Part 2 of 2 (Yes, I finally run out of steam.)

[chaoswolf]

I'll be there.

[phantomdancer.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry hon, *hugs*

[kitabare.livejournal.com]

Sorry it happened. Just as a curiosity, not know your lady or her family, are you sure it's because you wear black and not because she's with another female? That was my mother's problem with both of my girls. And the fact that her parents are being portrayed as ultra religious christians makes this seem far more likely to me.

[imonkey50.livejournal.com]

Hanng in there, this too shall pass. I'm sorry her parents are apparently bigots. In the mean time *hug*.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

Her relationship with her parents is her business. If she asks your help and support, by all means provide it to the extent you can, but it's up to her to come to terms with her parents and their prejudices.

You cannot control at all what other people choose to think about you, or choose to say behind your back. All you can control is your actions and your conduct. Prejudice is real and clothing affects how people interact with you. It's not fair, it's just real.

By the same token, you can try to clear up any misunderstandings if opportunity presents itself. (Confrontation can be useful in this regard.) That can be a minefield all by itself even when all parties are invested in the communication. If one party simply doesn't care, there's no way to make them care which will not be perceived as an attack.

The present economy and housing market makes moving out problematic -- and being forced by finances into a roommate / living together situation is not necessarily healthy for a relationship. You do realize you live in almost the most expensive housing market in the United States, right?

Good luck with the situation. It could be far worse, cold comfort though that is.

[paka.livejournal.com]

Oh, so not good. Yeah, it does sound like there's no workaround with the girlfriend issue. With the essays can you get an extention on them for a bit while this works through?

Wow. The black wearin' thing is new to me. These guys are really reaching, aren't they?

[chaoswolf]

I doubt I can get an extension on the essays...I know I'm skipping the baycon meeting tomorrow so I can actually work on them.

You didn't know I wear all black?

[paka.livejournal.com]

Well, I was pretty sure but not entirely sure. What I meant was, out of all the things which you could object to someone about, wearing black is pretty damn mild.

[shadowwolf171.livejournal.com]

Sorry