Decisions

[chaoswolf]

Too many decisions, not enough time.

1. Love. Do or not to do? I mean, I have girlfriends. This is good. Really it is...but how can one hold onto them when time & distance are an issue? One of them I only see every few days or so if I'm lucky, and the other I see every year or two, if I'm lucky! I seriously don't see how the hell I'm supposed to continue with this...honestly...Seeing them physically is one thing that I wish more often of both of them. Seeing them online (Skype or otherwise) is another, and it just isn't the same because I'm usually out of words when online. To complicate matters, when Danica is at home, she's sometimes locked off the computer. When she's not home on days that aren't Monday, she's usually with Jason. It drives me crazy. I have to deal with college, Mayhem has to deal with SF Art Institute, and asahoshi has to deal with the alt high school. OTOH, Danica has drakk_draconian, so in my opinion (no offense intended to either party mentioned in the previuos sentence: she has a better chance of getting laid than I do! I suppose the next question is: do I dare try accumulating any "girl toys" while still in the relationships previously mentioned? Damnit, I hate decisions.



2. Job. I guess I should seriously think about getting one. I know drakk_draconian already has one and that is somehow messing with the relationship between him & asahoshi. I should get one so I can pay my phone bill out of my paycheck rather than my allowance that I get from mdlbear. Also, it would give me more money for conventions, food & clothing that I might be needing later. Hell, mabey I'll open up a second savings account so I have money to get myself a plane ticket to Washington or something like that (when/if I get a job). The other thing that this will do is show my parents that I am a responsible adult who doesn't mooch off thier food & time. I might help with some of the bills such as power, food & credit card debts....or some random shit like that. I'm not happy about this one, but I will do what I can to try & get one.



3. Time. "Time is money" someone once said to me. I don't know who it was, but I want them to know that they were wrong. I don't feel that time is money because what it does is it very slowly degrades whatever existing relationships you have. There are some people (like Tock from The Phantom Tollbooth) who think that time is a very valuable thing that cannot be wasted. I feel that what time actually is resembles that of a prison that constrains you and puts commitments & deadlines on your head. I know damned well that the universe is going to blow up in 4 billion years or so when a supernova engulfs the solar system, but I also know that the life we have on this planet isn't long enough to do everything that we wated to do in the first place. I mean...I wanted to spend time with asahoshi for more than just a few days every year, but time puts a pair of manacles around my wrists that forbids me from doing that. I swear time is my enemy & not my friend.



4. Attention. I have a situation where a friend of mine says 3 people want her constant attention. I am one of them, apparently. I don't want to be one of these people who constantly needs to talk with her, but I would like to talk with her every once in a while. If this person says "I have 3 people who all want me to do something and I can only do so much at once," what am I supposed to do? Do I back off? Do I take a flying leap off a real short pier? Do I cut this person out of my life for a while & see if anything changes? I mean, I didn't mean to make her mad at me or anything......but I am not sure why things are the way are nor am I certain how much longer the friendship will last at this rate. Help appreciated.



5. Suicide. I am not suicidal. I admit I have thought about it a few times but never actually tried to get myself killed. What I am looking for are some real basic answers. Why do people think this way? What reason is there for them to kill themselves if by their death they will be hurting others more than they will be hurting themselves? I found out today that a friend of mine is seriously thinking about doing this, and I know for a fact that she is pregnant. I was told by my friend writercat84 that she's planning on skipping her meds tomorrow for the first 2 doses. This could cause her to black out, and possibly even kill herself during the middle of fencing. The last thing I want to do is get dressed up in formals during the school year because a friend of mine committed suicide during midterms. I seriously wish there was something I could do to say/help/stop her from doing this, but her mind is set on it and not a damned thing I can do is going to change that. I think that all we can do is pray for her and hope she doesn't pull anything extremely stupid.


I think I'm done........*sniff*

One more thing: I miss my ChaosCam!!!!*sniffwhimper*

Comments

[jilara.livejournal.com]

Lord Byron said "I have loved/Who has not/But what heart can declare/That pleasure existed/While passion was there?" Every relationship is full of quandries and hard decisions and weighing things. And yes, weighing alternatives. I have a sorta-relationship with a guy 600 miles from here. We talk every week, but I actually think we get along best because we don't see each other very often. We were together for 2 weeks and he drove me crazy.

Speaking as someone who has known a large number of people who attempted suicide, some successfully (including my mom), and talked about it with me while it was still in the contemplating stage, it's not about dying. It's about escape. It's when you need so badly to be out of the situation you're in, to just not feel anything any more, not need to worry any more, that it seems more attractive than the stuff around you. You don't see any possible better alternatives for living. As a friend put it, it's about being dead, which means you don't have to cope with anything any more, just being a blank in the universe. My mom wrote apology notes to everyone when she did it, and said she was really very sorry, but things would be better for all concerned when she was gone, and someday we would realize that. (The worst thing was that she was right, even though it nearly killed my dad, initially.) But if it's bad enough, you get tunnel vision, and you don't care about hurting people any more. I've had times when being dead sounded really great, but if I really thought hard, then it didn't. Because of the people who need me. Because I still am running ahead of that Time thing, trying to do everything in the limited lifespan of the universe.