Am not, Dad.

[chaoswolf]

I am not taking this (Beta Bitch) situation as well as he thinks I am.

Well, for starters:

1. I have to come home to emptiness. I mean, not that I would mind it so much if circumstances were such that Mom had a full time job as opposed to being in the hospital: but because she's in the hospital that makes it so unpleasant. I know she's not doing anything productive, and it's actually a good deal more painful to walk into an empty house with the knowledge that one parent is hospitalized and the other has a job.



2. Let's think for a moment about what it means to be family. Family means that you have the people you love and care about somewhere close-by. I know most of you have a good deal of this, however the one person other than blood-relations that I care about lives in BC, which is no cake-walk from San Jose. I hate the fact that we aren't living together. And it actually drives me fracking crazy.



3. Consider Wednesday. This is a day of the week that I see as more of a "holiday", even though it isn't one. People come over, there is socialization, I may know a few people to talk to that I haven't seen in a while, and may actually bring home a friend from school once in a blue moon to chat with. This is a day where I do not normally order any pizza. Due to Mom's hospitalization, it has made my life a bit more interesting because I inherit her chair, her responsibility, and all the other stuff.



4. Shopping. Let's look at this one with a grain of salt: I love Mom being home. I love Mom having all the shopping done without me having to worry about it as I come home from school. I love the feeling of being able to come home and do homework immediately without having to do any shopping. I hate the fact that for the next 4 weeks I have to do this and term papers. This is not at all fun or fair. And while I realize and understand the fact life is not fair, I did not need this pile of slag dropped in my lap.



5. Emmy. This one is a pain in the ass. How the hell am I supposed to know she's done her homework? She hasn't. The last report card had 2 D+'s on it, and I am supposed to take it at face value that she is doing it. Even worse, she doesn't know when to go to bed. I was trying to sleep for three nights in a row, and she wouldn't keep her trap shut after 2300. I don't know what the hell her problem is, but it's pissing me off. And I have to yell at her in order to make her shut up.



6. Personal time. What's that? With Mom in the hospital, I don't have any. Finish school, take the bus, do errands like getting bus passes, shopping, working on term papers, handling phone calls, taking messages, taking time to do a bit of cleaning around the Starport, and not work on my room because someone needs to remain downstairs on weekdays, cooking dinner at least once a week, and so forth. This is a heap of nonsense, and I should be able to spend time with my friends after school rather than come home and make sure Emmy does her homework, which she doesn't do anyway because she much prefers arguing with me about it than doing it. Since she gets home so late anyway, it means less time I have to spend arguing and more time to do everything that the house wants me to get done and not enough time for me to get my stuff done.

Am I the only one who is noticing what's wrong with this picture?

Comments

[selenesue.livejournal.com]

Venting is good. ::pets the wolf, carefully::

Getting plunked down into the Materfamilias role suddenly is never easy. I think your dad means that you are doing a good job of it *despite* all of the above troubles. Personal time is going to have to wait a little I'm afraid.

Emmy is coming to the age where she has to take responsibility for her actions, and her inactions too. Give her an earfull about trying to get into the college of one's choice with D's on the report cards, for instance. But she does need to zip it when you are trying to sleep. It's in her own best self-interest to not annoy you any more than you are already, don't you think?

Been there, done that, not going to bore you with details. But so far, from all evidence, you are DOING really well, even though you are FEELING like crap. Seriously.

[theflamecrow.livejournal.com]

If I had an experience like that, I bet I'd be able to fend for myself properly.

[beki.livejournal.com]

I am not there of course, but why can't Emmy take on some of the chores that go on around the house? Stuff like Dishes and vacuuming can be done by her just as well as you. She can help out, and your dad can reinforce that with her so she is more apt to do it. Her homework is not your responsibility. It's hers. It's not your issue, she will have to deal with the fallout.

You are doing just fine. It's a temporary thing even if it makes things difficult. This too shall pass. *snugs*

[pocketnaomi.livejournal.com]

Much sympathy. The situation sucks, no question about it. It sounded like your dad was saying that you were functioning/handling the suckitude really well, rather than that you were not feeling it strongly. If stuff has gotta suck, there are worse silver linings than having your dad proud of you and grateful for your help.

[mdlbear]

What she said. Proud and grateful doesn't quite cover it all, but it's a start.

You play the cards as they come up in the deck. The universe isn't actually cheating, but it's drawing from a significantly bigger deck, and it gets more turns than you do.

[mdlbear]

Nothing wrong with the picture. Welcome to the Real World (tm). There's no such thing as gravity -- the world sucks.

It's a given; the shit has hit the fan.

[capplor.livejournal.com]

When that happens, your first duty is not to throw any more onto the ones you love. Beyond that it's negotiable. I promise, LOTS of us have had times like that.

What helps?

Triage, for one. "Ordering the pizza" is the least of your problems. Save the fury for the big things and designate the lesser ones as "not worth the stress." Triage also means figuring out when you can let someone else worry about the mess because you are busy with your term papers. You do have friends. You'll still have to ask for specific help, but you can delegate. Shall I order the pizza for next Wed? (Long distance phone service is your friend.)

The long view, for another. THIS WILL END. You know it will end, and the prospects for a positive ending are excellent. However difficult, however stressful your tasks, it won't last for years.

Perspective. Don't you think just maybe your annoying little sister might ALSO be upset that your mother is in the hospital? Lots of people run off at the mouth when upset. Telling her what she needs is of limited use, but calling "MY bedtime" is your right, and your need.

Consider, too, that you do not have to be perfect, and could drive yourself crazy trying. What if you stressed yourself into the hospital too? Then they'd HAVE to get along without you. What if you and Selkit WERE living together somewhere? More than likely Emmy would have been the house Beta Bitch. Hell, women HAVE had children at her age. Loretta Lynn (famous country singer) had at least 2 at 16, and was running her household. If you don't want to track her homework, don't. Let your dad do it if he thinks she can't learn to do it on her own. He has more authority in her mind.

On the other hand, remember you are not a child, either. If things were THAT dire with your family, dropping classes this semester because of a family crisis is an option. I don't think things are that dire.

Re: It's a given; the shit has hit the fan.

[mdlbear]

All excellent advice. Thanks.

[drewkitty.livejournal.com]

Sounds like you're doing OK in a tough spot for the whole family. It is an ancient and honorable prerogative to whine and complain, and that takes nothing away from your handling of the situation.

[pnthrmgck.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

hmmm

[mesiunu.livejournal.com]

i agree with everyone for the most part. your father trusts you to do what you are doing now, because he knows you can do it, that you are strong enough. times like these make you appreciate what you do have alot better. life as adults isnt all candy and puppies. most of adult life is full of shit and suck. the good things are worth all of your struggles in life. you are missing the positives you could be gaining from this whole ordeal. this is making you even stronger, giving you a far greater appreciation of just how important your mother is in your life, and your family's life, everything she actually does. too often we take for granted those people like our mothers or whoever, who are these kinds of figures in our lives. all of you should come away from this with a greater sense of all she does, perhaps learn to offer her more help, mainly your sister. she does tend to take too much advantage og everyone in the house. raising a ruckus when you need the sleep to keep up with what you have to do is pretty irresponsible, even for a 16 year old. unfortunately you yelling at her will just make her resist more. just tell or ask your dad to handle her from now on. it isnt your job to discipline your sister when you allready have so much to do. you are sister, not parent.if she's getting horrid grades, then her freedoms and pivledges should be taken away till the situation is rectified, like phone, computers, games movies, etc.

Am not.

[katt1028.livejournal.com]

It is stressful to have more on your plate than you anticipated, all of a sudden and even sooner than you expected.

Your family unit is a very strong one... each one of you individually are strong as well. Your dad sees that. We have seen it... look at all of the positions of responsibility you have taken on over the years in each convention you have attended... all of the responsibilities you have taken on through life, growing up. The determination to continue through school no matter how much that it has sometimes sucked royally.

Just as you have learned from previous experiences in life, so shall you learn from this as well. It is hard. No doubt about it. You will survive and it will help you for the next challenge that comes along the way. If you need an ear and/ or if you want (at LosCon), I can give you details of how I had come to that as my own understanding of life.

You're not alone. *HUGS* Several of us have had or currently go through trying situations and have grown from them. (silver lining) It is a great opportunity for you to do this while you're still living at home, rather than having to do it far from home on your own.

With much affection, my quick thoughts and advice (for what it is all worth, I hope it helps)...
1. & 6. Take advantage of the "emptiness" of the house. It is quiet, yes, and often lonely in feeling. Use that time for YOU. Decompress from school, Emmy, the house, life, the current familial situation. Do something you enjoy doing, whether it is a candlelit bubble bath :-), meditating... or some other relaxation activity.

2. "reach out and touch someone" -- phone up your dad, mom, selkit, or someone else you're close to. It helps to talk to a person on the phone, even if it is just for a few minutes.

3. Wednesday's... there are plenty of people, who enjoy your company on this day of the week as well, you can ask to take on this piece. What seems as a big detail for you... can actually be a small detail for someone else. It is hard to actually ask for help. It is better learned earlier rather than later.

4. Shopping... don't have much to say to this one. :-) Being 35 weeks pregnant, it is hard for me to go shopping as it is... so, right now, I wish someone else would/could take of the shopping for us too. Perhaps mdlbear and you can come up with some type of compromise/ solution... shop online and have it delivered? Maybe he can do the "shopping" and you just be home during the time it will be delivered to put away?

5. Emmy... teenage agnst. She is being affected by all of this as well. However, she can take on some more responsibility. Perhaps mdlbear, her, and you can come up with a family contract on respecting space, time, and familial responsibilities. Something I have needed to revert to at times, with Lil'Man... is to allow him privileges once his chores and homework for the day were done. He has to show me his homework and show me that his assigned chores are completed. Then he is allowed the privilege of having x amount of time on the PS2... or to play something that he really wants to do. The only exceptions to this is family time and activities that are therapeutic, such as his playing with legos or drawing.

[catsittingstill.livejournal.com]

(hug)

I don't really have anything helpful to say. This sucks. I'm sorry.

(another hug)

I think it's great that you're helping the rest of your family out so much.

You know, having your Mom in the hospital and having to take over her load *is* the sort of thing you can get colleges to cut you some slack over. Maybe you should consider talking to your teachers or your counselor about getting some sort of leave of absence, or in some way reducing your courseload (like arranging to take an incomplete in some classes so you can concentrate on others, then coming back and finishing the incomplete classes when your Mom is back to her old self again)?

It sounds to me like Emmy could be taking on more of the load too, and maybe you should talk to your dad about leaning on her a bit to start pulling her weight.

But in the end I have to say: yes, this totally sucks. Being an adult sometimes means taking over jobs that weren't yours to start with, that you didn't exactly agree to, that take a lot of extra effort, but that have to be done. I'm impressed with the way you are living up to those challenges. I'm sorry it hurts, and I wish I could tell you this is the only time in your life this will happen, but it's not. :-( But the people around you will be better off for having you as their family member, or their friend.

So I guess I *did* have some things to say; hopefully some of them were somewhat helpful.

[chaoswolf]

Your first piece of advice re: talking to the teachers and taking an incomplete --- I wouldn't want to. I'm so close to graduation right now, I think I will finish the quarter and have the diploma by Xmas. I have talked to the profs and they understand that I may be absent occasionally.

Re: Emmy taking on more of the load: mdlbear and I have been leaning on her. Problem is she won't listen long enough to learn anything.

Re: Your final words: It does suck. Those around me do have the honor of knowing I am trying to handle it as best I can. I seem to be doing well in spite of the problems.

[gnowun.livejournal.com]

((( hugz ))) - just cuz.

[harmonyheifer.livejournal.com]

I have a huge amount of sympathy for what all of you are going through. Your posts have reminded me how hard it was for me, shopping, cooking and cleaning and going to college before I married and left home. My mom was an alcoholic, so it wasn't an abrupt change in my responsibilities, rather a gradual one. Your posts have reminded me what that burden felt like, and how angry I was that I had to do everything, and get good grades all at the same time. I also had a younger sibling who was acting out and the experience made me more self-reliant. I grew up kind of fast.

Try to keep in mind that this is time limited, so the situation isn't going to go on forever, and your dad is supportive and appreciative, that is a blessing. It is also a blessing that this is temporary and your mom will be home to take back the reigns when she is well again. This will make you stronger and it is your first real test of adulthood. You will get through it, and venting is healthy and a good way to process your anger and resentment.

Now, speaking as a mother myself, I suggest that the next time you visit your mom, you give her a hug and tell her just how much you appreciate all the things she has done all these years to make your lives run smoothly. Tell her you didn't fully appreciate her until she wasn't there. It is something she probably will be pleased to hear, mothers like to know they are appreciated.

Once you all get through this crisis, it will be a lot more difficult to ever take your mom for granted again, and you will be wiser for having to walk in her shoes. And yeah, being a grown-up sucks. Hang in there, you'll get the hang of it.

[kizmet100.livejournal.com]

*HUGS* I know exactly what you're going through. With my Dad at the skilled nursing facilty and my Mom practically an invalid life is a little crazy at this point. PLus today we find out that even when the doctor puts him on oral antibiotics they want to charge us twive as much as for him to come home as opposed to staying where he is right now! We definately can't afford that. What makes ir worse is that he's going to be on antibiotics for another 6-9 months. Waaaaaah!

[firewolf74.livejournal.com]

Reading upon your post and everyone elses as well, it is the real world and i know you're doing the best you can, I have faith in you!!! Always have!

Now with Emmy I know she is going to realize one day falling on her face, why her grades are looking the way they are and realizing why homework isn't getting done. She has a responsiblity to do too and when she sees you that you are partaking [B]your responsibility[/B] getting your homework done, housework, shopping, and etc. Maybe just maybe she might get the idea hey this is what she needs to doas well.

If need to be even thou I am not on that often this past few weeks I am working on gifts for my kids and their classmates drop me an email I know I can send you email reply back soon as i can or drop off me a post on my journal. I always check my yahoo on new journal entries. I am hoping at somepoint to have a webpage up with my phone number I know it's long distance I can take a phone call too. I know as well of the time difference between us I am central standard time.