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chaoswolfAuthor's note: this is just prose and an attempt to find my muse. These thoughts are not directed at anyone in particular, just thoughts that are. Please don't click behind the cut if you don't want nonsensical stuff to read. It may not make sense to you. It doesn't make sense to me. Trust me, I'm just writing. That's a start, as I haven't been for a while. Once more: these are just thoughts passing through my head in an effort to jump-start my muse again.
Now, the time where I must be strong my strength fails me. I have a burning desire to do something, but nothing is coming to mind. I can only see what lies physically in front of me, no future. No past to recall my mistakes. If I make one, gods help me. I cannot remember when the last time I made a mistake was, I cannot remember the last time I celebrated a paycheck. I want a job so badly it hurts, and there is nothing here. There is only the "do not worry about it now" and "thou talkst of nothing" uttered softly in the back of my mind by someone very close to me. Very close, but distant at the same time. I cannot create a damn thing, and I should have some talent somewhere. This voice tells me I can write, though I haven't for some time. Please, dear gods; If you can hear me...please restore my gift that I once had. Please let me take a blowtorch to these negative thoughts of worthlessness, envy, hatred...Help me find the serenity that lies at the end of the tunnel. I need to take action, but I need to be strong. I need to fight back, but I need to be patient. I need this patience. Someone has to help me see if I'm progressing in this, as I feel I am inadequate at best. My inept perceptions cannot help me determine if I have obtained said, and this voice says it is a horrible teacher at teaching me what I need to know. I cannot feel that there is a light at the end of that tunnel right now, but if there is...I wouldn't mind a nudge in the right direction. I haven't thought about jumping, or suicide of any kind. I just need a little nudge in the right direction as I cannot figure my way out of a wet paper bag with compass, map and neon sign pointing the right direction. If the gods can hear, help me. Please.
Now, the time where I must be strong my strength fails me. I have a burning desire to do something, but nothing is coming to mind. I can only see what lies physically in front of me, no future. No past to recall my mistakes. If I make one, gods help me. I cannot remember when the last time I made a mistake was, I cannot remember the last time I celebrated a paycheck. I want a job so badly it hurts, and there is nothing here. There is only the "do not worry about it now" and "thou talkst of nothing" uttered softly in the back of my mind by someone very close to me. Very close, but distant at the same time. I cannot create a damn thing, and I should have some talent somewhere. This voice tells me I can write, though I haven't for some time. Please, dear gods; If you can hear me...please restore my gift that I once had. Please let me take a blowtorch to these negative thoughts of worthlessness, envy, hatred...Help me find the serenity that lies at the end of the tunnel. I need to take action, but I need to be strong. I need to fight back, but I need to be patient. I need this patience. Someone has to help me see if I'm progressing in this, as I feel I am inadequate at best. My inept perceptions cannot help me determine if I have obtained said, and this voice says it is a horrible teacher at teaching me what I need to know. I cannot feel that there is a light at the end of that tunnel right now, but if there is...I wouldn't mind a nudge in the right direction. I haven't thought about jumping, or suicide of any kind. I just need a little nudge in the right direction as I cannot figure my way out of a wet paper bag with compass, map and neon sign pointing the right direction. If the gods can hear, help me. Please.
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no subject
Date: 2007-07-20 08:42 am (UTC)It is said that a flower can be beautiful all by itself, but a man or woman cannot be beautiful unless they see that they are in the eyes of others. I don't know, honestly, though I do know it took someone across the ocean, across the fiber optic line across the Atlantic Ocean, to inspire me to bring into being -- create -- the sounds and stories that would otherwise be lost in my mind. To remind me that I am here, and I can either be afraid of doing with myself what I can do... or I can do it, and fuck the rest of the world that has given me all the negative fears ("what if what I do isn't good enough?" good enough for what? a celebration of life?) and worthlessness I've felt through my life.
xkcd (http://www.xkcd.com/) has helped me to see that it doesn't matter, that it's okay if I do things that others don't see as important or even worthwhile.
Surrey is beautiful in the summer. Perhaps what you need to recognize is that there's more than one sense, more than one type of idea... you can't feel light, any more than you can see heat. You are the mistress of your own destiny -- and there is nothing to be said for 'in the end'. There is no future, there is no past: what time is it? now.
Just remember that in Surrey, all itty ideas make sense.
no subject
Date: 2007-07-22 05:16 am (UTC)Read
"cut yer hair getta job throw away yer guitar
jus' forget yer crazy dreams bout bein a star"
(And mind you: As far as I knew, this change of fortune came about with very little or no alteration of the actual work of talent being reviewed...)
you can't change to fit taste, they have to change taste to fit you.