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Jun. 16th, 2005
As I sit here in my room, I am discovering that life isn't all it's cracked out to be. I did my morning perusal of LJs & found this post to be most disturbing and painful. I am sorry to say that love sucks. I am sorry to say that I have a bit of a control issue with people who have cars. I am sorry that I have done what I have done. I am sorry that I cannot drive, and therefore have this control issue. I am sorry that I can't do what I want. I'm sorry that I have no car. I am sorry I hurt people. I am sorry that pain equals hatred. I'm sorry that I am doomed by the Gods to enter relasionships and break them off just as quickly. I am sorry.
I am so fucking sorry. You know how many times one can say that phrase before it loses it's meaning entirely...? If there is no point to living, fine. Go ahead. End it. I seriuosly don't want to deal with the emotional backlash of dealing forever with the pain that you have caused. I want it to end, but at the same time I want to become stronger, which is why I still live. I learned partially from my mistakes. You'd think I would finish learning that other part by now.....
Life is always more complicated than it seems. First thing I'm doing is finding the last batch of DMV paperwork. If it's still good, I'm gonna go take the damned DMV thing again & hope I pass this time. Then I can start working towards license, and once I have that....a car. Then I might be able to end my control problem over my friends who have this gift already. Then maybe I won't feel so damned helpless.
I feel hopeless enough as it is. Helplessness just adds to the pain. Dealing with everyone else's shit on top of my own just makes it worse.
The final question I have.....is friendship worth this pain?
I am so fucking sorry. You know how many times one can say that phrase before it loses it's meaning entirely...? If there is no point to living, fine. Go ahead. End it. I seriuosly don't want to deal with the emotional backlash of dealing forever with the pain that you have caused. I want it to end, but at the same time I want to become stronger, which is why I still live. I learned partially from my mistakes. You'd think I would finish learning that other part by now.....
Life is always more complicated than it seems. First thing I'm doing is finding the last batch of DMV paperwork. If it's still good, I'm gonna go take the damned DMV thing again & hope I pass this time. Then I can start working towards license, and once I have that....a car. Then I might be able to end my control problem over my friends who have this gift already. Then maybe I won't feel so damned helpless.
I feel hopeless enough as it is. Helplessness just adds to the pain. Dealing with everyone else's shit on top of my own just makes it worse.
The final question I have.....is friendship worth this pain?
Damn politics.
Jun. 16th, 2005 03:38 pmEducational politics are so fucking confusing. I mean, my prof still wants me to take the "incomplete" option, and I spoke with a councilor to get a pass/no pass form. It's a petition that needs the instructor's signiture & that of the Dean, and I'm hoping I can get that rather than take the other. Bleah. If it doesn't work....I could be screwed.
Why does this happen?
Jun. 16th, 2005 03:54 pmWhy do parents not understand that when you have had a bad day at school that you just want to veg and do nothing else? ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mdlbear has bad days all the time, and he crawls into his hole & codes. I have bad days too, and ordinarily I would crawl into my hole & browse the net, but it's being cleaned by super_star_girl who is even as I type looming over my shoulder and trying to bitch me out about the Star Wars game that I didn't think about today that I said I'd run when I got home from school......bad days + gaming promises = bad gaming experience.........and she's not going to leave me alone about it either.
I can't change the fucking past!!! Why is this such a hard concept for people to understand? Why does everything revolve around what was said in the past if the promises that were made have little effect on the mindset of the now? Why do people expect things of you when you are dealing with another personal crisis and perform at an ability you are incapable of performing at because of lack of practice caused by your own weakness? Why?!?
Because life fucking sucks!!!!!
mdlbear has bad days all the time, and he crawls into his hole & codes. I have bad days too, and ordinarily I would crawl into my hole & browse the net, but it's being cleaned by super_star_girl who is even as I type looming over my shoulder and trying to bitch me out about the Star Wars game that I didn't think about today that I said I'd run when I got home from school......bad days + gaming promises = bad gaming experience.........and she's not going to leave me alone about it either.I can't change the fucking past!!! Why is this such a hard concept for people to understand? Why does everything revolve around what was said in the past if the promises that were made have little effect on the mindset of the now? Why do people expect things of you when you are dealing with another personal crisis and perform at an ability you are incapable of performing at because of lack of practice caused by your own weakness? Why?!?
Because life fucking sucks!!!!!
Happy b-day to kissmyassterisk. Also, because I may forget about this tomorrow, happy b-day, sdorn.
In regards to my growling annoyance, I have no other choice. I'm taking the incomplete.......and damn does it feel wrong....I should'nt have to deal with this......but the prof doesn't seem to understand. He's an ass. And has no accounting for personal problems of his students. He doesn't seem to give a damn. Can't say I'm suprised.
kissmyassterisk. Also, because I may forget about this tomorrow, happy b-day, sdorn.In regards to my growling annoyance, I have no other choice. I'm taking the incomplete.......and damn does it feel wrong....I should'nt have to deal with this......but the prof doesn't seem to understand. He's an ass. And has no accounting for personal problems of his students. He doesn't seem to give a damn. Can't say I'm suprised.