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Dec. 6th, 2005 09:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chaoswolfHippo Birdies (in case I don't remember tomorrow) ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blackfyr!
Anyways....I have been avoidingfalconoflight because of the stuff that's happened. I was hanging out with our mutual friends today, something I said I wouldn't do.....but I think now that was a mistake. I got some comfort from nonblasphemer, but not much. Feel bad about what I did today. Feel horrible, actually. Like I really need to get away from the table. Though it's getting cold outside, so that isn't really possible. No matter where I hide in the cafeteria, my gaze always seems to go back to her. I'm not stalking, I don't think...I just have friends in common with her. Now...I'm just confused, though still trying to pick up the pieces from the emotional scarring she has left. It hurts to see myself in this pain, and it hurts to know there isn't a point in the near future of reconciliation. I wish to better myself so that I become stronger and so that I can somehow prove to myself (and to her) that I am not going to make the same mistakes. Somehow I know that life is going to work, and I've got a shred of hope everything will work and I get her back. I am looking at this shred now and then, wishing it wasn't so far away; though it's all I've got to look at. I can't dwell, but I can move on and hope. I'm starting to learn this now...though at the moment I don't feel like I'm getting stronger. The scarring she left is worse than the scars left by mira_fastfire....and even though Mira wasn't @ LosCon I felt the feelings for her. I am a hopeless wreck, I suppose. Only capable of learning from what mistakes I made this time and becoming stronger because of those mistakes. I suppose it won't make a difference in the short term. The long term is what I need to look forward to. Not the weeks ahead. I will prove to myself that a relationship is the icing on the cake, and not the cake itself. The odds of me getting Laura back right now are very slim...odds of this happening in the future are probably extremely high if I don't look for it. If I just let life play as it will, perhaps an unexpected event like that will be the icing on the cake.
It's going to be an interesting month. I have to register for classes, meaning I actually need a course schedule *gasp*....well, guess I go pick one up tomorrow while I'm waiting for Mel. If I'm lucky, I might getsharyse to show up again, but I don't know about that. Need to think of how to stay away from the mutual friends for a while until I can be somewhat sure that I'm not going to cause tension by being around Laura. She still hangs out there. I need to think of some way to exist on campus and still be findable by my friends without disappearing completly......Hm. That's a challenge....I'm open to suggestions.
grendies is going to be arriving @ Starport on Monday the 12th, a little after 12:20pm. By that time, I am either on the bus or back @ Starport myself. I have discussed with him about his education in human sexuality, which means showing him a few websites and taking him to a "toy store." I'm thinking the one down the street or LeatherMasters since we're both over 18. Will be fun to see what he does. Need to make sure that I stop by the health office on my way home tomorrow to grab some condoms just in case it gets to that level. I'm probably giving way TMI about this, and I'm sorry. Another thing: I have to @ some point talk to him about the alleged Star Wars game my sister wants to run. She's already convinced me to play, and I wrote up a new character. I don't know exactly how this will work, but I'll think of something, I'm sure.
I think I need to get offline & shut up.....just so I can listen to my music and take my mind off of things. Phone calls are welcome, as I could probably use the distraction. If anyone wants to hang out on Friday to go see Chronicles of Narnia, that's cool! Let me know.
blackfyr!Anyways....I have been avoiding
falconoflight because of the stuff that's happened. I was hanging out with our mutual friends today, something I said I wouldn't do.....but I think now that was a mistake. I got some comfort from nonblasphemer, but not much. Feel bad about what I did today. Feel horrible, actually. Like I really need to get away from the table. Though it's getting cold outside, so that isn't really possible. No matter where I hide in the cafeteria, my gaze always seems to go back to her. I'm not stalking, I don't think...I just have friends in common with her. Now...I'm just confused, though still trying to pick up the pieces from the emotional scarring she has left. It hurts to see myself in this pain, and it hurts to know there isn't a point in the near future of reconciliation. I wish to better myself so that I become stronger and so that I can somehow prove to myself (and to her) that I am not going to make the same mistakes. Somehow I know that life is going to work, and I've got a shred of hope everything will work and I get her back. I am looking at this shred now and then, wishing it wasn't so far away; though it's all I've got to look at. I can't dwell, but I can move on and hope. I'm starting to learn this now...though at the moment I don't feel like I'm getting stronger. The scarring she left is worse than the scars left by mira_fastfire....and even though Mira wasn't @ LosCon I felt the feelings for her. I am a hopeless wreck, I suppose. Only capable of learning from what mistakes I made this time and becoming stronger because of those mistakes. I suppose it won't make a difference in the short term. The long term is what I need to look forward to. Not the weeks ahead. I will prove to myself that a relationship is the icing on the cake, and not the cake itself. The odds of me getting Laura back right now are very slim...odds of this happening in the future are probably extremely high if I don't look for it. If I just let life play as it will, perhaps an unexpected event like that will be the icing on the cake.It's going to be an interesting month. I have to register for classes, meaning I actually need a course schedule *gasp*....well, guess I go pick one up tomorrow while I'm waiting for Mel. If I'm lucky, I might get
sharyse to show up again, but I don't know about that. Need to think of how to stay away from the mutual friends for a while until I can be somewhat sure that I'm not going to cause tension by being around Laura. She still hangs out there. I need to think of some way to exist on campus and still be findable by my friends without disappearing completly......Hm. That's a challenge....I'm open to suggestions.grendies is going to be arriving @ Starport on Monday the 12th, a little after 12:20pm. By that time, I am either on the bus or back @ Starport myself. I have discussed with him about his education in human sexuality, which means showing him a few websites and taking him to a "toy store." I'm thinking the one down the street or LeatherMasters since we're both over 18. Will be fun to see what he does. Need to make sure that I stop by the health office on my way home tomorrow to grab some condoms just in case it gets to that level. I'm probably giving way TMI about this, and I'm sorry. Another thing: I have to @ some point talk to him about the alleged Star Wars game my sister wants to run. She's already convinced me to play, and I wrote up a new character. I don't know exactly how this will work, but I'll think of something, I'm sure.I think I need to get offline & shut up.....just so I can listen to my music and take my mind off of things. Phone calls are welcome, as I could probably use the distraction. If anyone wants to hang out on Friday to go see Chronicles of Narnia, that's cool! Let me know.
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no subject
Date: 2005-12-07 05:26 am (UTC)Btw, your leathermasters link messed up, maybe forgot to close the a-tag.
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Date: 2005-12-07 09:59 pm (UTC)