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argh.
Well, it was a Wednesday, like any other. Little did I realize how much of a change came over my personality when I turned 18 3 days ago...I thought I'd be gaming with my friends still. I thought I'd not separate from the groupies that I had come to know and love and hang out with, etc. I found out today that I prefer to socialize with the LARPers and not so much with the D&D crowd that socializes in my room. I feel that I am no longer part of that crowd...they have been so close yet so distant from me, and it's kind of disappointing to find out that they have in a sense betrayed me.
I feel that life is starting to choose something for me that will lead me to make a very important decision: to stay with my household and those I love or to separate from it and make myself more distant from those whom I have gotten to know and trust? I don't know how to deal with this crossroad. This is something I've never really given much thought to, being a teenager and all that, thinking this moment would never come. But it seems that this moment draws closer and every waking moment I spend not being worried about it, I find myself dreaming about those I will hurt or leave behind when the time comes for me to choose. I will hurt someone, I know this. Be it by choice or by Fate, I will wind up loosing someone very dear to me who has helped me overcome many obstacles and helped me discover who I really am. I don't know if this is a temporary thing or if it's going to be for life.
I seem to find that with every hour that passes, I find myself thinking about the last few days, last few months. What I did and didn't do, what I could have done differently, who I could've talked to in order to change my life around, and what I can still do to change my destiny. Many people say that it is not wise to tamper with Fate, but how do you know what Fate has in store for you if you can't see it? I never realized how painful it could be to leave my childhood memories behind me, all my childhood loves, those who I have gotten to know and trust. It seems that life cannot be altered by one's desires, but only one's choices that are made in order to stay alive. In various points, I have often wondered if life was worth living. I still wonder this, but there is always someone willing to smack me over the head and tell me not to hurt myself.
In certian times, one can find school, stress, or meetings, or tests, even to be very traumatic. Even something lower than a C average on your report card could fuck your system over. I understand this all too well, and with all the times I have gotten below a C average, I wish I could change it now. I really wanted to be a star student, but with all the trauma that has happened in my life since my grades started to slip, I have felt that each year of my life mearly marks another letter on my headstone for my grave.
Trying not to kill people has been hard, my sister in particular.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
mdlbear knows that I have been trying my damnedest to keep my paws off of her, and so far the only thing I've hit her with is my trout named Kilgore. It seems that trying not to kil her or anyone else that is on my hitlist has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. The reason why I haven't done it yet is because of this little thing called "consequences". I mean, spending the rest of my life in prison doesn't sound like fun, but trying to behave oneself isn't always easy, especially for a teenager almost a tweenager.
I feel like my life has become increasingly more difficult, with things like jobs, and college to take into consideration, things that I thought were only myths. When you're a kid, you don't really think much about it. You fantazize and play games with the idea of going to college, what you want to do for a living, all that stuff. That's what I did....and am still doing. I mean, things are still getting more distant in my mind, and I know damned well that without a college education, I am going to get a bonehead job like working night desk at a motel 6 or something stupid like that. College degrees are becomming the norm, and with the economy sucking as bad as it does at the moment, you can't really tell what you're going to be doing next.....
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If that doesn't work, grin & bear it. If you can't, then grin, duck & run because that's probably all you can do. In such times, there really isn't much one can do to prevent the roadblocks from dropping in front of you.
I feel that life is starting to choose something for me that will lead me to make a very important decision: to stay with my household and those I love or to separate from it and make myself more distant from those whom I have gotten to know and trust? I don't know how to deal with this crossroad. This is something I've never really given much thought to, being a teenager and all that, thinking this moment would never come. But it seems that this moment draws closer and every waking moment I spend not being worried about it, I find myself dreaming about those I will hurt or leave behind when the time comes for me to choose. I will hurt someone, I know this. Be it by choice or by Fate, I will wind up loosing someone very dear to me who has helped me overcome many obstacles and helped me discover who I really am. I don't know if this is a temporary thing or if it's going to be for life.
I seem to find that with every hour that passes, I find myself thinking about the last few days, last few months. What I did and didn't do, what I could have done differently, who I could've talked to in order to change my life around, and what I can still do to change my destiny. Many people say that it is not wise to tamper with Fate, but how do you know what Fate has in store for you if you can't see it? I never realized how painful it could be to leave my childhood memories behind me, all my childhood loves, those who I have gotten to know and trust. It seems that life cannot be altered by one's desires, but only one's choices that are made in order to stay alive. In various points, I have often wondered if life was worth living. I still wonder this, but there is always someone willing to smack me over the head and tell me not to hurt myself.
In certian times, one can find school, stress, or meetings, or tests, even to be very traumatic. Even something lower than a C average on your report card could fuck your system over. I understand this all too well, and with all the times I have gotten below a C average, I wish I could change it now. I really wanted to be a star student, but with all the trauma that has happened in my life since my grades started to slip, I have felt that each year of my life mearly marks another letter on my headstone for my grave.
Trying not to kill people has been hard, my sister in particular.
mdlbear knows that I have been trying my damnedest to keep my paws off of her, and so far the only thing I've hit her with is my trout named Kilgore. It seems that trying not to kil her or anyone else that is on my hitlist has been a lot harder than I thought it would be. The reason why I haven't done it yet is because of this little thing called "consequences". I mean, spending the rest of my life in prison doesn't sound like fun, but trying to behave oneself isn't always easy, especially for a teenager almost a tweenager. I feel like my life has become increasingly more difficult, with things like jobs, and college to take into consideration, things that I thought were only myths. When you're a kid, you don't really think much about it. You fantazize and play games with the idea of going to college, what you want to do for a living, all that stuff. That's what I did....and am still doing. I mean, things are still getting more distant in my mind, and I know damned well that without a college education, I am going to get a bonehead job like working night desk at a motel 6 or something stupid like that. College degrees are becomming the norm, and with the economy sucking as bad as it does at the moment, you can't really tell what you're going to be doing next.....
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If that doesn't work, grin & bear it. If you can't, then grin, duck & run because that's probably all you can do. In such times, there really isn't much one can do to prevent the roadblocks from dropping in front of you.
no subject
You've always been mature. (Hell, you're more mature than some of my co-workers!) You're now seeing some of the rest of the world.
You'll do well, though. Just grab a goal and head toward it.
Welcome to the real world
Actually, college is probably the most fun time of all: everyone -- profs, your fellow students, and even the administration -- knows that you don't have to be there, so they treat you with respect instead of treating you like a kid. (It was somewhat different in my day, when the voting age was 21 and things were a lot more up-tight.)
Come and talk to me some time. I may not have a cure for depression (sorry; you probably get that from me), but I know a couple of good recipes for lemonade.
no subject
About your sister, remember for two weeks she will be away at camp. The camp could give her a swift kick in the butt about her attitude. At least she has taken a knife to you like my brother did. But remember, she is a different personality and is 5 years younger. That five years can make the difference.
Talk to me sometimes... if you need to
no subject
Pondering life is a good thing. You've got the bulk of your adulthood ahead of you. Feel free to try new things, explore new places, and so forth. The people who care about you won't stop caring about you just because you're not around them all the time. I can vouch firsthand for this, too. My best friend from childhood and I are still tight. She and I have been friends for 38 years now and aren't likely to stop being friends. Her life is very different from mine: She's been married over 20 years, has three kids and a granddaughter.
My point? Your head tripping is normal. Instead of letting it get you down, enjoy it. Savor the possibilities in front of you. Yeah, you can't go back and fix those Cs, but you can make a lot of As with your future.
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