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asahoshi: I understand about getting into fights with your family. Especially when all 3 of them are against you. I
hate trying to clean my room because it never stays clean for more than 20 minutes anyway. What the fuck is the god damned point? The only reason why I'm still alive is because I promised people I wouldn't do anything overtly stupid. But if cleaning my room is all I need to do in order to not get my ass kicked by
mdlbear,
flower_cat and
super_star_girl, then I probably should do it. Here's where I ask you the question:
WHAT THE FUCK MAKES THEM THINK I CAN CLEAN?!?! Just beause I clean the car every so often is not enough to prove to myself that I have self confidence. Asking people for help (such as
misdev or Uncle Paladin) is
$$ not an option.......and for whatever reason they are of the opinion that we will have lice forever because my room is the messiest.
If I were physically able to move out, damnit I would have!!! Unfortunatly, jobs are impossible to find, and people I know at school aren't looking for room mates right now! FUCKING HELL! I swear to the 7 winds that if I were capable of being perfect, the room would be clean & stay that way until I moved out.
NOBODY'S FUCKING PERFECT!!!! I could personally care less about the state of my room. Parental units insist that it stay clean as long as possible & I try to clean it weekly. Sure. If I had inspiration to clean it on a weekly basis, it might work. What they don't see is that I have no motivation/inspiration to do so. They don't see the fact that I
like my chaotic mess damnit. I don't want to look like my grandmother and have a tidy idleness! I'm sorry about that,
mdlbear...but she's way too damned clean for my liking.
Tried calling Hermes today to see if I could get a sanity check after I yelled at everyone. He told me that everything would be okay and not to do anything stupid like play with the shiny pointy things under the bed. I know better than to do that, but I still think cleaning my room is an impossible task. He also said that if he were able to come over and help, he would. Alas, he's got work tonight and I don't know of anyone in the area to help me out with this. I could try a recruitment drive on here with replies to this post, but I'm not sure that will work somehow. Also, with everything I do in the course of a week (such as studying for homework and exams) what makes them think I have the time to clean my room...? Debating calling
asahoshi, but for some reason I don't think that will work today. She has enough issues and probably wouldn't want mine on top of whatever shit is happening with her sister and parents back home.
If I were only stronger...............................................................................................................................................
Excerpt from
Never Lose Hope:
Never lose hope because
Your spirit never dies
You're stronger than you think
If you open up your eyes
Take a look inside yourself
And then around where you stand
And mabey, yes just mabey, the
Answer is waiting in your hand.------------Heather Alexander
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