Another ranty-whiny post

[chaoswolf]

Disclaimer: I am not completly sound of mind. I may have clouded judgement, but godsdamnit, I will speak my mind. If you don't want to read it, fine. Don't look. If you continue and don't like it, fuck off. Sorry to say it. < rant > Okay. I am really fucking pissed. I hate groundation. I hate it when people care too much about their children, preventing them from seeing their loved ones. I hate over protective parents who believe I am the "corruptor", "bringer of Apocolypse" and all those other negative connotations. I really fucking hate people like that. If I were Pantherchan, I'd press charges for involuntary incarceration (being held hostage basically under her mother's roof) and move in with chaoswolf. That's perhaps just my opinion, but seriously. I don't think that mdlbear or flower_cat would have a problem if Pantherchan crashed here until she got her life in order. They both like her. My sister likes her. I love her, and I would seriously lay my life on the line for her if I had to. I miss my panther, and 6 months of this torture....it's inhuman. It's unbearable. Considering the fact that Pantherchan's over 18, she has the legal right to make her own fucking decisions! What about this part do people not fucking understand? Just because someone is your daughter does not mean they have to be of your fucking religion or sexuality! A plauge on you evil bigotory shitheads who believe this...< /rant >

< whine > I miss her. I really do. I sit at my computer every night with homework, asking stupid questions like "will your mother lighten up at all?" and trying to help lighten the torture. I have nightmares about not being able to see her again. I have nightmares about her moving away because her mother is a person who doesn't believe that sexuality is important, and doesn't believe that bisexual is a perfectly acceptable way of life. I have issues with this. I seriously have issues with this. I don't handle this type of thing well. It's like a Long Distance Relationship with the exception I get to see her at school. I've learned from experience with asahoshi and emp42ress that it doesn't work without some form of physical contact, and that a friendly voice on the phone isn't enough. Major difference between the past and the present: Pantherchan's local and the other two were from Washington (state of, not DC.) I never got to see them. I never got to hang out with them. Except at cons or during the times I flew up there. Case & point: I don't handle seperation very well. I really hate how life has turned out the last week, and I really hate how much it hurts me. I really hate how much my dependence on people tears me apart, and I really hate myself for having these weaknesses. I need to learn to get over it. I need to learn that I need to get a job. I need to learn. < /whine >

< rant > I hate being broke. I really do. I don't think that I will be attending school next year...going to try taking a year off and seeing if I can get a job, and my driver's license. Would do the latter this year, but my academics are getting in the way. The job thing...I'll see what I can do. Probably not much, but the holidays are coming up. I could see if I can get a job @ one of the local bookstores in Satan (Santana) Row and see what happens. I hate the fact I don't have a fucking car. I hate the fact I don't know how to drive even if I had one. I hate the fact that the DMV doesn't offer the actual written test online, only the samples. I don't mind the fact that the DMV actual behind the wheel test is an in person thing, but seriously! WTF? Nevermind, don't answer that. I know what my fucking problems are, damnit. I'm trying to take care of them. < /rant >

< whine > If life exists, why do we? If we exist, why do problems exist? If things are meant to be, are there ways of knowing? The answer to these questions: we exist because we are meant to overcome the problems that allow us to know if things are meant to be. This is a lesson I am learning the hard way, and godsdamnit, I wish I'd paid better attention when I was younger. I know it seems like a stupid thing for me to be saying now, but humans do make mistakes. I have made so many I lost track. I have made too many mistakes to call myself a saint. I know damned well that I'm being bitchy & whiny for no apparent set of reasons...fuck it all. Just....fuck it all. There are ways around this. I can't...I won't give up now. Pantherchan will be un-grounded, damnit...< /whine >

Comments

[mdlbear]

I don't think taking a year off will help much -- you tend to lose your momentum. Look at your cousin Alex, or your Mom for that matter. It's much easier to get a decent job if you have a BA. Doesn't even matter much what your major is -- you just need that piece of paper to get in the door. And we will, as you know, continue slipping you the occasional $20 as long as you need 'em.

Summer/part-time jobs are different. Tell you what -- if you get a transfer into a 4-year school for next year, we'll buy you a car. Also remember that if you're not in school we can't keep you on our health insurance.

[chaoswolf]

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life, much less how I'm going to do it.

[johno.livejournal.com]

Who cares what the fuck you want to do with your life at this point.

However, education never hurt anybody.

Keep plugging away at it, dodge as much drama as you can.

And focus on your love, not your loneliness.

[vixyish.livejournal.com]

I have to second johno here-- it's perfectly okay if you don't know yet what you want to do. The more education you have, the better your options; the wider your range of what the fuck to choose from. :) Of course it isn't a guarantee for *everything*, and of course there are plenty of things you can do without it. But it does broaden your chances a whole hell of a lot.

[aerowolf.livejournal.com]

If I might make a suggestion...

you need something stable in your life that you can focus on, that you can feel accomplished with. You can make your next quarter or two really easy stuff (take PE70 and 71, and you can talk with CJ Jones, who's probably one of the greatest people at that college -- if she hasn't moved on by now).

But keep at it. As mdlbear points out, it's REALLY easy to lose momentum. [and if you can't deal with your first year of college out of high school, then you've got serious medical issues that need to be resolved, to the point of disability. in my opinion, anyway.]

It doesn't matter what you do, as long as you do it. A B.A. or B.S., either/or, as a piece of paper means that you've learned how to deal with bureaucracy and work around politics. That's what employers want to see.

I miss you, and I care about you, even if we have a hard time actually speaking with each other. (Just like your mom collects people, so do I to an extent -- and you're definitely on the list of people for whom I'll do just about anything I can to help.)

[jilara.livejournal.com]

When I was your age, I still had some delusion I was going to be a marine biologist. How things change. Seriously, even after college, I didn't plan to spend my life dealing with computers, and I still don't, but somehow I ended up here, and the rut has become comfortable.

Some plan their lives, but a lot of us just happen into them by accident.